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“My What Is Going To WHAT?!” Things No One Told You About Pregnancy


Ah, pregnancy. Such a magical time of life. Life, real life, is growing inside you! From seamonkey to tiny fetus to big fat fetus that kicks you in the bladder twelve times a day, you’ll love that little bugger from the day you hear that swishswishswishswishswish of their heartbeat and see their little bean body flitting about on the screen. For the longest time, it’s hard to believe that it’s actually happening, (especially if you’d been facing infertility and have been waiting and dreaming and praying for that day for years as so many have). Never fear, though, because your body will quickly remind you that you are, in fact, pregnant with one or all of these lovely symptoms.


Everything Swells (and Stretches) and Sensitizes

This can be a, um, good thing for some parts (party!!) and to some people (namely your spouse, if they’re a boobs and butt kind of person), but for your breasts and your belly, it becomes a struggle of finding the right support and being uncomfortable a good portion of the next 40 weeks. So make sure you bite the bullet and go buy a bigger bra (save yourself some time and money and buy a nursing friendly one for later) and regular jeans? Forget it! You don’t need that kind of discomfort digging into your midsection while you’re trying to grow a human. Go get yourself a pair of those fantastic maternity jeans with the stretchy section at the top- discreet, slimming, supportive, and oh so comfy. In fact, you won’t want to give them up long after baby is here, and that’s okay too. I certainly won’t tell. 😉

Photo by RundWerks Photography
Photo by RundWerks Photography
And for your skin that will begin screaming in discomfort (not only painful but also itchy like you wouldn’t believe), be sure to slather yourself with some luxurious shea butter Pregnant Belly Salve even before you start to see or feel a big difference in your 3 Bs (breasts, butt, and belly). If your nipples begin to swell and become uncomfortable too (I’m telling you, people don’t tell us these things so that we agree to go on procreating) you can keep them moisturized and healthy with some Nipple Butter. If your Punani becomes uncomfortable due to swelling (namely your labia) or excessive discharge (hello!) you can always use some Punani Paste to heal and comfort or some Muffin Mist to refresh and be sure to wear a super soft bamboo or minky cloth pad to keep your lady bits #sittingonacloud even when they make you feel like you’re straddling an inner-tube.


Your Entire Body Slows Down

I know you think you know what exhaustion feels like, but just wait until you feel that bone dead tired for what feels like no reason whatsoever. It’s frustrating and debilitating and oh so necessary to the process. Relaxin (the hormone responsible) is coursing through your veins and making every system slow down. It’s what is responsible for heartburn, aching hips or pelvis, round ligament pain (a lovely sensation when you turn too quickly or try to do something as innocent as roll over in bed and find yourself feeling like you’ve ripped your side wide open), feeling off balance/clumsiness, feeling like a winded rhinoceros after only one flight of stairs, sleepy tingly legs (poorer circulation-which can lead to varicose veins), getting a headrush almost every time you stand up from a crouched position, and the mother of all secret side effects that everyone wants to (not) talk about: constipation. Good luck, pooping, new momma, you’re going to need it.


To help? Get yourself a nice pair of stable shoes so that your uncontrollable clumsiness is at least ebbed by sturdy footwear that won’t slip and will support your aching hips and back. Do doctor approved exercises like walking and yoga and light weight training among other things (water aerobics is the best during pregnancy- water makes you feel weightless even when you’re weighing in at State Fair records) to keep your body strong and prepared for holding up that belly of yours as you waddle around and to help you prepare your body for the potential marathon that can be your labor and delivery. Pick up some stool softeners, some Motherlove Sitz Bath spray or New Mama Bottom Spray (to soothe the hemorrhoids you’re bound to get from trying to birth that poop you haven’t had in four days)  and a Squatty Potty for the constipation (I’m not kidding. Even non-pregnant folks should get one. Seriously). Get some Tums for the heartburn and a Snoogle or some kind of body pillow to cuddle up with at night to keep your hips and knees and growing belly in a comfy position so you can get some shut-eye in between your constant night-time potty runs.

ckbiehl-78Your Nose Goes Nuts

Suddenly, you can’t even go to Kroger because the old lady three aisles over has way too much White Diamond perfume on  and it makes you want to create a call for clean up in aisle four. Your favorite foods turn you green (Bacon? Cruel, cruel world!), and foods you rarely like to eat suddenly smell and taste like heaven (Broccoli by the bunch? Yes, please!). Not to mention that some women get cold symptoms (runny/stuffy nose) that lasts their entire pregnancy called “rhinitis”.


Plus side? You can pass off jobs like cleaning the smelly shower (or toilets or dishes) to your significant other until your schnoz loses its crazy sensitivity further on in your pregnancy. And for the nausea that seems to have absolutely zero cause, you can try eating small meals throughout the day and wearing a No Mo Nausea Bracelet. If you have rhinitis issues, a cool mist humidifier (my favorite is the Crane Drop) and increasing your water intake (which means subsequent daily bathroom trips) can help.


Not all women have these symptoms, and some women only have them for the first trimester. Some women have no symptoms at all, but no matter what you may have to endure, in the end, it’s worth it.


Just don’t suffer unnecessarily! Get shopping and buy some of our favorite products to pamper your prepartum life. When you’re done with that, be sure to set up your baby registry with Dream Diapers to make all your new mom dreams come true!


Happy pampering, pregnant mommas!




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