Spiders, clowns, sharks, porcelain dolls, camel crickets, heights, enclosed spaces, public speaking: all are a cakewalk by comparison.
If you’ve delved into the world of cloth diapering, you’ve probably already gone through these nightmarish blunders with which only other cloth diapering parents can sympathize. Thank goodness our face-palm moments are at least part of a shared experience, right?
Top 12 Nightmares
of Cloth Diapering Parents
1. It’s here! It’s finally here! You’ve stalked the B/S/Ts for months and even broke your own “I’ll never pay over retail” rule just to find it, but it’s finally arrived! You prep it, stuff it, and get it on the bum of your darling angel baby for a cute photo shoot outside in the garden. Just then, your sweet princess toddles off behind the bushes to hide and tells you go “Go! Go way, momma!” You know what’s coming. You snatch her up, run to the bathroom, and frantically try to unsnap the diaper to set her on the potty, but you’re too late. She’s christened it with a big ole smear of the dreaded peanut butter poop. (Thank goodness for Spray Pals and diaper sprayers!)
2. Fido found your Pinch Proof limited edition Lalabye Baby and did the death shake, popping off three snaps and tearing a huge hole right in the middle of the crotch of the diaper. You can’t even salvage it for a swim diaper and have to throw it away.
3. You’re out and about running errands for the first time since your precious little sweetheart was born, when from the driver’s seat you hear it in the back. FFffffffttttttpppppprrrrreeeee! Your newborn has just exploded. You pull into the grocery store parking lot, pop the tailgate, lay down the changing mat, get your little stinker out of her carseat, lay her down, and begin to change her. Then, you thank God you’ve chosen cloth because the yellow, moldy popcorn smelling, EBF poo bomb she just dropped didn’t seep up her back or out the legs, but it was pretty darn close, and how in the world is there so much of it?! You get her all cleaned up, strap her back in her carseat, and go to clean up the crime scene in the back of your van only to realize you’ve forgotten the wet bag at home. (At least you can fold the diaper up and snap the crossover snaps to contain the mess until you get home!)
4. Surprise! Your favorite brand is releasing a new print! TOMORROW! Oh wait, you’re broke because you just replaced the tires on the van/fixed the roof/bought a new refrigerator etcetera.
5. It’s been a crappy day. Literally. Your toddler painted the stairwell with his digested remains of last night’s chili dinner. Your newborn detonated just as you were reaching over for a clean diaper, hitting everything in a three foot radius, and you ate too many chocolate covered pretzels after the kids were in bed in an attempt to salvage the day, and now you’ve got the tummy troubles. You take a hot shower, change into your favorite pjs, nurse the newborn back to sleep, and climb into your nice, soft, cool bed, roll around until you get comfortable, close your eyes, and begin to drift off. Your eyes suddenly pop open as you realize, you forgot to take diapers out of the washer. You lay there contemplating how long it might take for them to mold (could it wait until morning?) before throwing the covers off to stumble down the stairs to throw them on the drying rack.
6. You realize (too late) that in the cluster that was your morning, you put a reusable swim diaper on your baby instead of an actual diaper before getting in the car to head to the pool. You arrive at the water park to find baby’s Chico Nextfit swimming in urine.
7. You’ve just spent an hour (while the baby naps) stuffing diapers and getting them arranged in a perfect swirl in the middle of your vacuumed living room so you can take an epic aerial stash shot for #stashshotsunday (#sss ) when you realize you’re missing a few. Panic stricken, you start sifting through the chaos that is the middle aisle of your Honda Odyssey for the missing fluffies and ransack your previously picked up house for the elusive treasures of your collection. You finally find them in the back of your van in a wetbag…and you can’t remember how long they’ve been in there…
8. Your newborn was delivered at almost 10 pounds, and you already bought/rented an entire stash of newborn diapers. Good thing cloth maintains its value for resale!
9. You’re still a newbie (or maybe you moved, and your water and washer changed) and you’re still getting your wash routine straight. You keep getting that awful singe-your-nosehairs-off ammonia smell each time Junior pees, and your kid’s overnight diapers smell like they’ve been hanging out at Old MacDonald’s farm. Time to take up that career you always joked would make you more money than what you do now and start stripping with some Grovia Mighty Bubbles or Rockin’ Green Funk Rock or RLR Laundry Treatment and tweak your routine.
10. You trust your sister to watch your kid. (You really do!) But she isn’t in the cloth diapering world, so she didn’t understand why you were so upset when you came home to find that your kid had used his brand new Funky Fluff as a new medium for his love of drawing…with a black pen! Buncha Farmers stain stick to the rescue! Or, believe it or not, you can use hairspray to get pen out of clothing! (The same can be said for well meaning family and friends who use Desitin or A&D Ointment on your kid while they’re in cloth; though, you’ll want to use a teeny tiny bit of blue Dawn and a toothbrush to scrub that out!)
11. Your mother tried to help with diaper laundry while she was watching your son. When you returned home, she informed you that your diapers now smelled and felt Downy fresh!
12. Your cousin asked you to make friends with a colleague of hers who just moved into town near you. Knowing what it feels like to have no momma friends in a strange place, you gladly invite the stranger and her child to your house for a play date. All seems to be going well; you have a lot in common and are not sipping your lemonades so uneasily anymore as you perch yourselves on the edge of your seats in the living room, when your child goes streaking past you. Literally. Looks like she found out how to undo the aplix on her diaper! (Time to change to snaps!)
Thank goodness most cloth diapering gaffes are only temporary hiccups, and those that are more permanent can usually be remedied by a quick shopping trip at your favorite cloth diaper retailer. 😉